Emotions and thoughts about my final Doctor visit before surgery....

    Today, Friday 12/3, I went to my final appointment with Dr. Dietrick.  It was mostly a discussion and answering any last questions I may have.  He took a final xray and showed me all the bone spurs, especially the one in the back of my hip that is causing so much of the stiffness for a much needed range of motion.  I can see the place the hip broke.  There is a line across the femoral head that is faint but visible.  I can also see the light marks from where the pins went that put it back together.  (In 1982, I was told i was lucky there were pins, previously kids would be laid up 6 months in a body cast.  I am grateful for western technology.)
    I also asked him, though I already knew, that if my mom had made me xray my hip toward the end of the three months of limping, I would be in a much different situation.  I know that by breaking it, I lost the blood supply at 13 which has lead to the deformity, bone spurs, and loss of cartilidge.  I also remember my dad begging my mom to take me to another doctor to get a second opinion, (thus probably another xray) but instead she was so convinced by the doctor that there was just some arthritis, tendenities, bursitis that she never did.  I don't get it.  The last weeks before my hip broke, it took many minutes to go from standing to sitting.  When I drove home with my mom from school, i would prop myself up with two hands because it was so painful to be in a car.  Why did she not get it xrayed again????  Why did she think she knew what was wrong and not advocate for me more?
   I don't do it often, and it is really not my style, but today I feel sorry for myself.  I feel angry at my mother and I just can't call her today to tell her about my visit though I know she is waiting to hear from me.  The last time this happened was when I was 28, had started limping again, and had been given the diagnosis I have been living with the last 15 years.  But, we talked about it and I moved on.
  YOu have to know how incredible my mom is.  How close we are.  She stayed up all night when Ruby was an infant, sending me to bed to try to soothe her at 3 am.  She sent Sean home my second night in the hospital with Tatum and slept by my bed to help me.  My mother is my biggest fan and constant support.  It is not in my nature to blame her for anything, but this, I can not help at times like this to be angry with her.  It is just my reaction to the reality of this situation I face.
     Before you read this mom and feel beat up, I will also tell you this.  After driving and crying on my way to pick up my girls from preschool, having my pity party in the car by myself, (don't worry I pulled it together by the time I got there), I started to get some perspective.  Breaking my hip was a life changing event.  It was painful physically, and even more so, emotionally. But I have lead an incredible life.  I have gone out and gotten everything that I ever wanted.  My career, my husband, my children.  Dealing with the whole situation, and the many lessons it has taught me, have lead to an incredible life, and I think a great yoga teacher, friend, wife and mother.  I would not be where I am today had it not happened.  But sometimes mom, I really wish you had just made him xray me again.  It would have saved me a lot of pain and stress.  And, quite honestly, would have lead to a sucessful home birth.  I love you.