Tuesday, March 22, 2011

It's coming along....

I did it.  I hit the three month mark.  I cheated and went back to yoga a bit early.  I took it really easy though.  I could not take the stress, I had to get back in that room.  When i think of all the people who don't do yoga.  I don't know how you do it.  I am not judging.  Just saying, I am no saint, but drinking, drugs, recreational or otherwise are not my thing...I need that yoga to settle my shit down!  Seriously.  You can't imagine how much happier my house is.  My kids look adorable and Ilove being with them.  My patience is so much greater.  I love my life again.
  I knew it would take time, but you forget how hard it is to parent when you don't feel well.  It is so great to feel the beginnings of normalcy.  And to get back into that yoga room.  It was so great to go to my 3 month visit and know I had reached a significant milestone.  The bone has grown around the new hip, and I don't feel, nor am I any longer quite so fragile.  I told him about the few yoga poses that feel weird, and assured him I would take them slow and careful. He is a bit worried about me as he knows i like to stretch, and he wants  my capsule to remain somewhat tight and strong. Like everything else in life, it will be a balance.
    I love feeling myself start to get strong again.  It is going to be slow.  I have not been in prime fighting form in 5 years.  I have not got my body back since having Tatum 3 years ago.  I don't have a goal to look 20 again, or even as lean and mean as I did in my 30s, but I think I can look and feel better than I do right now.  I don't believe in dieting, but if I could seriously reduce my cookie intake, that right there might solve the problem. I love and accept myself for who I am, but I do have some goals to reach by the end of this year.
1.  lose 5 pounds, and tone up my fat stomach
2.  Get rid of my limp and take up some exercize walking to help achieve goal #1
3.  Head to Disneyland with Ruby.  She is almost 5 and 1/2, it really is time.  This is one of the reasons I got a new hip anyway.
I don't update my blog much, and I really don't know who is reading it now or will in the future.  But I can say this, when you go through a life changing event, sharing it in writing just helps .
Peace out!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Move that body, and respect that it takes time....

Wow!  It has been over a month since my last posting.  There were two crazy events in my life that happened during this healing time that i will come back to in a minute.  Let me just mention, that this part of the blog will now focus on the physical aspect of coming back to yoga and life for that matter.    Working with my body in its new state and all the elements that are encompassed within that.
    Let me start by saying i had my 6 week appointment last week.  It was a true milestone.  Even though i was dying to move and strengthen my body, i was strictly told to not!  Now that i am here, i was at physical therapy the next day with Kevin at CATZ in Pasadena.  He has had both hips done by the same surgeon, and he worked with me 6 months before the surgery, so i felt great in his care.  We got moving right away that first day.  His intuition and knowledge are amazing and while we did not overdo it, we did quite a lot! 
   I still feel so far from truely functional.  There is so much more than my hip that need to rccover from this surgery.  The other biggie is my back.  My back has been getting so bad over the last year that my hip replacement really wasn't even a choice anymore.  There are many ranges of motion i still can't do even though my hip is starting to let me. (tie my shoe, cuff my pants, pick up something from the floor to the right of my foot)  My back is just tight and mad and does not want to let go.  I can not wait to get back in that yoga room, but i have much healing to do first.
    The amazing thing was working hard left my thighs sore the next day, but my hip felt fine.  No inflammation that sends me unwillingly to the medicine cabinet to take Alleve.  I CAN WORK OUT AND NOT PAY FOR IT WITH AN INFLAMMED AND PAINFUL JOINT!  Very cool.
    I went to my second appoinment on Mon and was reminded I still need to take it easy.  Did too much and having a hard time today.  My whole I-T band down to my knee are annoyed with me and i am walking quite crooked.   It feels so good to be on the road to function.  I relish it.  I love it.  I am trying to be present and be grateful for where I am, but I find excitement in the possiblilites of what can come 3 to 6 months from now. 
    This next section may be a bit dry, but i hope it will provide information and education for people undergoing this kind of procedure in the future.  These two crazy incidents i want to tell you about have to wait.  I am out of time.  All my best

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Feeling better, slowly....and some thoughts on pain meds....

     I have passed the one week mark in my healing.  I am off the walker today and now onto a cane.  The body is an amazing thing.  It really talks to you, and you should listen.  I have not been in a car in a week and a half.  Other than veering outside for a minute last Sunday, (it was so gorgeous outside!)  I have not been out of the house.  I start each day with the optimism that I will feel stronger and have less stiffness and pain.  Each day that seems to be the case...EXCEPT, when I insist on standing too long or not resting.  Today was one of those days.  My god...sitting around being  lazy is exhausting!  It is really hard to just sit around with your legs up as I am supposed to.  It is such a relief to be free of the walker and started I doing house projects today.   We are going to replace a few cabinets, and I started getting in a nesting mode and going through stuff.  This may not be the best time. Way too much time on my feet!
   The interesting part to me is, what I am having the hardest time with is this unbelievable thigh pain.  He must have ripped or torn some muscles in my quad to get my old hip out and my new one in.  It just felt like one big bruise before. But as my hip feels more comfortable everyday, this torn muscle feeling gets worse.  I am back to having a difficult time putting my pants on again, but not from lacking the range of motion in my hip, but because my leg won't bend due to this torn muscle in my quad.  Can't wait to ask the doctor about it.  I really just wish I could go to a few acupuncture appointments and I am sure it would be much better.
     This is where I will go back to some thoughts I had on prescription drugs.  Everyone tells you that you need to take pain meds or your body will not heal.  I like to feel some discomfort so I do not push it and have an awareness about where I am at.  But, I am not a martyr and take a few Vicadan (the weakest of the 3 pain pills from the hospital) and Celebrex.(I would not take this long term, but 10 days I can do. ( I asked for alleve, but it interfered with my blood thinning shots i gave myself.)  Did I mention before I gave myself shots for a week.  I never thought I could do it.  Sean use to give horses this massive shots, but I could see in his face that he did not think he could do it to me.  So Sean, I cowgirled up and did it myself.
   Anyway, how unlike me...i digress.... I just wanted to comment on how I see how people can become prescription drug users.  No one wants you to be in pain.  I understand the compassion, but I also see how it goes too far.  It is much easier to live your life on Vicadin if you are in pain.  I guess some people prefer it to real life and stay on it.  I like to get off as soon as I can, and I have to admit I am surprised I am still taking any, but this quad pain is flooring me.  I just think that if you have any inclination to numb out, this is a great way to do it.  When I went to a fancy West side doctor before my surgery, he literally would not let me leave without a pain med presciption.  He did not even listen to the fact that I did not want one and managed my pain when my hip became very inflamed with Alleve.  He asked me strong or weak, and he handed me a presciption for something I have never taken.  I don't even know what that is, and I never filled it.  But goodness, it is not exactly hard to get drugs to numb you out if you want them.
   The other point to this story was when I went to a routine doctors appointment and thought I should check my hormones as I was tired, and more impatient than I thought was normal.  He reminded me that I have 2 small children and a business to run and that is pretty normal, but he offered an ANTI-DEPRESSANT.  Wow... Really???  I said," that's OK, I do yoga."  He said that it was a great way to deal with all of that, and try to do more.  But an anti depressant???  Do we wonder why people are over medicated?  It is just shocking to me.
     Last story, cause I know I am babbling....I was in therapy 10 years ago dealing with some relationship issues.  (before I met my fabulous husband of course.)  I told her I had a lot of energy and passion and had a hard time setting down some of that energy.  She actually wanted to give me some sort of downer.  I told her she was out of her mind.  I want to feel all my feelings.  Deal with all my feelings.  Face all my feelings.  Deal with whatever pain or difficulty there was.  I just thought that was shocking.  I am in a therapists office, dealing with my life, and she is suggesting numbing me out.  To this day I don't understand.
   I will conclude with this.  I am not saying that I am better than anyone else and anything in life, but I deal with my shit head on.  I am able to deal with situations that are difficult, and always after getting some distance  and reflecting on how I could have handled a situation better or treating someone a different way that would have worked better or caused less pain.  We can't grow if we numb out.  Take medicine if you need it.  I even think there are some situations where anti-depressants or any kind of prescription drug is necessary and helpful.  I just think the western medical profession over does it.  Big time.  I am glad I have  a very non-addictive personality (ok, cool it all you people who know I have a sugar problem) when it comes to drugs, and I believe in feeling a little discomfort, just to keep it real and feel connected to my body and its relationship to the world around me.  That is just how I roll.....Looking forward to heading to work at the desk on Monday....real world here I come!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

P.T., my scar and next summers bikini???

    I wrote this great thread of a post yesterday about drug use and abuse when you have pain...but I hit the wrong button and it was all gone.  So, I'll just see where this one goes.
      I am feeling better each day.  The physical therapist came to my house yesterday which was great as I love to do anything that moves my body.  I was doing most of it already (from the handout at the hospital) but it was reassuring to know I was doing what I was suppose to and it wasn't too much.  She also told me how beautiful my incision looked, (clearly, any accolades are working for me) and she measured it at 4.5 inches.  (some of you wanted to know.)
   It is quite ugly to me, but solved such a major problem that I am growing to love it.  A few inches away on the side of my leg is my scar from where they operated on me at 13 and 15 (yep, used the same scar), so it feels like a bit of a battleground on that side.  Funny thing is, the scar has never bothered me.  It is pretty obvious in a swim suit, but I have never paid it much attention.  My new scar seems to eliminate the bikini category of swim wear, but I gotta tell you, bikinis have not been working for me since baby #2.  I have veered more towards boy short styles (or 40s brief style bottoms when I can find them) so luckily my fashion desires are in line with my body reality.  There are no staples to remove and it is healing really nicely.  The dressing was so cool and waterproof (I could shower with it).  The P.T. told me they are new in the last few months.  All the reasons I waited and put off this surgery have really worked out.  I agree with one fancy Westside doctor who said that waiting for newer technologies is not a reason to put off joint replacement surgery.
  My hip hates to sit like this, so I must sign off.  See you all soon....

Monday, December 13, 2010

Home, healing and bored....

     Today is Monday Dec 13th.  My mom took the kids to school, and Sean is off to work.  I am happy to have a little peace and quiet.  Thanks for all the comments from my last post.  I write a lot of this for my own process and to move on from so much pain and frustration, but I think we often help and inspire other people when we speak truthfully from the heart.  My dad emailed me today and he even liked my blog.  (I thought he might have thought it a bit babbling, but he even read the whole thing.  Dad and i share The impatient gene, I don't know the exact number, but research may help discover and treat it some day....)
    Here are the facts.  I am Ok, but not great.  I am still stiff, sore and generally not all that comfortable.  most of the top of my right leg is very sore.  I don't have a lot of joint pain, but my original pain spot, right in the front of my joint, is still sore.  It isn't great if I sit too long, walk too much or sit in a normal chair.  I just keep trying to find the balance and allow healing to happen.
  Everyone just wants to tell me how easy it is and how quick.  Yes, but when you are just sitting around, letting your incredible mother and husband wait on you, it seems like it will be a long time till i have myself back.  I am not trying to wine or complain, but this is still not easy.  I had surgery only 5 days ago, it really is such a miracle.  But, when you are young and active, your mind just says, "ok, that is enough rest, i am ready to have my life back."  Your body contradicts your mind and says' 'scuse me, you inpatient bitch, but I will heal on my own time, and like it or not, you need to take it easy, let others do most things for you and your kids and sit around and get better."  Shit, the body rules on this one!
     I am doing all the light exercizes they have recommended and supposedly a physical therapist is coming to do more, but i like to remind them that I can just do yoga and all will be right with my world.
    To conclude, I am doing pretty well, but bored and on drugs that give me a headache and take away my appetite.  (YOu know when you feel like you are one stomach flu away from your perfect weight...well....another positve!!!!)  All my best to you all, and be safe out there during the holidays
Peace out!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Home from the hospital

well, I am home.  Just couldn't stay in another day.  It is now Sat. night, and I am glad to be here.  The surgery went well, but surgery is never fun.  I was very out of it and nauseous the first day, second day much better but I had to get a blood transfusion. (of my own blood thank goodness) but that hurt and took about 3 hours.   Some of my amazing best friends came to visit, Jill and Weezy, spent time with me and brought me movies and magazines.  I got up and walked the day of surgery which i found miraculous.  Walked more yesterday and today.  All my IVs etc were all out today and I thought, Why not go home?
     The kids are challenging, but they are getting it.  I think it will get easier.   Ruby is so about pushing all boundaries that I think this will be a tough one for her, but when I feel better, it will be so worth it.
  I have had so much love and support going into this surgery, and I just feel like i can heal and get stronger.  I look forward to updating this blog as I get back to my physical stuff to see how that goes.  Right now I am very sore, very stiff and weak.  But, not in much hip pain.
   All my best to you all and happy holidays.  See you soon.....

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Surgery today...YEAH!!!!!

The day has come.  It is finally here.  I have waited so long and now I am excited to get it done.  Hardly slept.  Like the old days when I had to get up early for a flight and had dreams all night that I missed it.  I kept waking up fearing i would swig some water and they would cancel surgery.  I have feared for weeks I would get a cold and they would cancel surgery.  I have planned this so well.  Got through the busiest fall of my adult life; school tours for Ruby, all those days at the coop (loved every minute of course!), 12 year anniversary at work, Ruby's bday, Tday etc, etc etc, now it is time to get this done and spend some time focusing on healing.
   It is now almost 5:30 in the morning.  I have been up and in the shower since 4:30.  Kissed my mom who has not slept and is more excited than me to see this getting done, though I think it is always hard for a mother to send off a daughter to surgery. She has been trying to throw me under the knife and get this done for years.  It is here mom!
   I just finished some yoga breathing and stretching to get the day started and my lungs working.  I am prepped, I am set, and here we go.  I'll post on the flip side ya'all.